I hate bumper stickers. I don't care what your other car is, where your child attends school, how much you love and/or hate Jesus, dead babies, and/or the Dave Matthews Band, or who you vote for. I don't understand your need to tell all who drive behind you these things. I also don't understand why you would want to assist in U.S. culture's wildly successful program of reducing all aspects of human behavior, discourse, personality, taste, and politics to mass-produced identity brands. One of these identity brands is the counterkultur-intellectual-ecowarrior-TVhater. This brand comes in two flavors: purple Kill Your Television and vanilla raspberry swirl Throw Away Your Television. These neato slogans niftily and zanily forget that instead of killing your television, you should be killing yourself. Television brought us "The Office." "The Office," though it is a TV show, is one of my favorite films of all time. It will stand the test of time. It is great. It is funny, brutal, and compassionate. It is good. Your bumper sticker has dumbed down our world more than any television program, including "The Nanny," "That 80s Show," and "Friends." Kill yourself. You are too dumb to find the button that turns your television off, so you are too dumb to live. I don't care if your child is an honor roll student at Austin High. In fact, he/she sounds like such a genius that he/she can run the household for you after you blow your brains out. Now, if you'll excuse me, my dishwasher failed to properly clean my favorite cereal bowl in its entirety, so I am going to print several bumper stickers extolling the virtues of killing dishwashers.
By the way, TV also brought us "Curb Your Enthusiasm." What did you do? Asshole. Wheat from the chaff, buddy. It's not that difficult.
4 comments:
Also Arrested Development, which was even on network TV, so it was available to the proletariat and not just the cable-watching fat cats.
you are brilliant. ricky gervais rules! Have you seen Larry David and him interviewing each other on you tube? Check it out.
i didn't mean to be anonymous....
i must admit that i have some bumper stickers. one of them is an austin film society sticker, the other is a lebowskifest sticker my friend sent me. it says "it don't matter to jesus." i thought it would confuse people, so i liked it. the other advertises a coffee shop in my hometown that i love.
one time i saw a bumper sticker that said "jesus would kick the shit out of you." i liked that one, too.
but i, too, normally find myself having inordinately violent reactions to other people's bumper stickers. i particularly hate the one that says "well behaved women rarely make history." i'm not quite sure even why i hate that one so much. but i find myself fantasizing about rear ending those people's cars and then explaining that i was just trying to make history.
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